I could hardly believe that the WordPress prompt for today was “ghost”. You see, ghost is MY word.
The word, ghost, and I have a past relationship. This word, ghost, is ME. As a little girl, I remember: my dad is not far away, sitting in the brightly-lit living room of our matchbox-size house, right outside their bedroom. I am in their bedroom with my mother. It is dark. I see a figure. It is not my mother. It is not me. It is large. It is rather translucent, almost fog-like. It does not appear to be trying to approach or frighten me, but I scream anyway. I do not know this being. I run out of the room to my father who catches and holds me. My mother laughs and tells me that I am silly. This is THE memory that has haunted me throughout my entire life.
Fast forward to now. My parents have been gone for nearly twenty years. I had pretty much lost contact with the rest of my family, until just a few weeks ago. That was when my cousins shared with me their impressions of what it was like in my house: I was the ghost. They told me that I was like a ghost in my own house: I didn’t really seem to exist, unless my mom wanted to show me off–not to be heard, just seen.
Here is where it gets even weirder:
The Old English version of ghost was a synonym of the Latin spiritus meaning breath. (Take a peek at the name of my blog. This was not planned!)
The German version of ghost is ghast, which was understood to means soul, or spirit.
This blog is totally about finding the soul or spirit of myself that I have never known. The amazing part is that I am discovering how to find it…find ME…and pull me back inside myself.
There is a daily celebration going on now–this reunion of me and my ghost. No more haunting. I am starting to share my story, and I am discovering that I am not alone. If you have ever felt pushed out, invisible, unknown to yourself or anyone else, and trying to understand yourself through everyone else’s interpretation of you–pull up a chair and I’ll do my best to bring you along with me.
I am not a credentialed therapist and will never claim to be such. That said, I do have an extensive amount of education, self-education, and experience. I have been trying to solve this mystery for a very long time! I only share resources that are publicly available and solidly recognized and supported throughout the field of mental and emotional health.
You can find what I have discovered on my Resources and Backstory pages.
My ghost does not live in a ghost town. My ghost lives in me, and this is, at last, a wonderful life!